~I'll be thounding like a whiney 10 year old girl .. thweeeet!
-------------------
Can't figure out what my name really means.
I always wanted to know! Never succeeded in finding a real meaning to it. When I was a kid I nagged Mama for as long as I could, and she kept telling me it is a female version of a natural "something" that lies on the face of the earth. I wasn't satisfied with that result 'cause surely there is another meaningful symbol behind my name. I was soo jealous of nonnah's. I wished I had hers. Half of the neighbour's daughters carry nonnah's name. And they can literally define it in so many ways. I kept on running to Mama and whine to her of what a stupid name they've picked for me, 'cause I can never come up with a definition for it .. not even a single one. None of them knew what it really means except that it's an ancient name carried by women long ago in ancient Bahrain.
Nonnah was named the second she got out of Mama's uterus. I, on the other hand, was a nameless baby for the first 30 days of my life; until on the 31st day dad had an announcement to make, "N.A. it is".
I'm still dying to know what the heck my name symbolizes. It's like an annoying puzzle that I'm trying to solve. Brrrffff.
;pP
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
bittersweet
There was once a system that sucked me inside its magical environment. It was non existent, like an unwritten song lyrics. Being a first timer as I was in that unexpected experience, I was floating away through an unheard life – ignorant of the lovable beings around me. I was a prisoner inside my own deeds; a prisoner who feared from the outside world, who fell in love with the system that formed darkness in a short hiatus.
Like a drunkard I was flushed and felt intoxicated with it. A feeling that can never be described. When I needed more doses, the system was graciously charitable. But before I knew it I was abandoned by it, the system was no where to be found. The charity was cut short. I was suffocating, because finding out that that system was realistically turmoil. That system that I was sucked in promised me the world in one hand, but I mostly saw the waves of confusion that drifted me to unwanted places. First of them was a place called Emotional Instability. Luckily, I was out if it sooner than expected; only to find myself with an unwanted guest. It kept following me to places that had never been visited before. I wanted some answers: why was I abandoned, who might that unwanted guest be?
Curiousness made me realize the paid visit was from a guest named Capriciousness. It was addictive; moreover, it was unsurprisingly a hand-me-down from my so called fellow – Emotional Instability. I realized the former had enough of me, or did I have enough of it?
Capriciousness was ironically a beautiful transition. Made me easily forget I was ever into the system. With the mood swings flying everywhere it landed me upon a school of thought. An aptitude of familiar territory – a preview of my prehistoric life with the wonderful and lovable beings. I’ve reached an understanding that life still goes on. At last I was cured until a fortnight ago a rushed reappearance by it shocked me. I do not want to be trapped again by the system. I was tired of its problems. It brought grayness to my hair. I need to live an easy, blossoming life away from it, as far as my body can drag me. The thought of being intervened by the system scares me.
So let bygones be bygones.
Like a drunkard I was flushed and felt intoxicated with it. A feeling that can never be described. When I needed more doses, the system was graciously charitable. But before I knew it I was abandoned by it, the system was no where to be found. The charity was cut short. I was suffocating, because finding out that that system was realistically turmoil. That system that I was sucked in promised me the world in one hand, but I mostly saw the waves of confusion that drifted me to unwanted places. First of them was a place called Emotional Instability. Luckily, I was out if it sooner than expected; only to find myself with an unwanted guest. It kept following me to places that had never been visited before. I wanted some answers: why was I abandoned, who might that unwanted guest be?
Curiousness made me realize the paid visit was from a guest named Capriciousness. It was addictive; moreover, it was unsurprisingly a hand-me-down from my so called fellow – Emotional Instability. I realized the former had enough of me, or did I have enough of it?
Capriciousness was ironically a beautiful transition. Made me easily forget I was ever into the system. With the mood swings flying everywhere it landed me upon a school of thought. An aptitude of familiar territory – a preview of my prehistoric life with the wonderful and lovable beings. I’ve reached an understanding that life still goes on. At last I was cured until a fortnight ago a rushed reappearance by it shocked me. I do not want to be trapped again by the system. I was tired of its problems. It brought grayness to my hair. I need to live an easy, blossoming life away from it, as far as my body can drag me. The thought of being intervened by the system scares me.
So let bygones be bygones.
Monday, June 19, 2006
choices
I’m kind of questioning the life choices I made. Nobody “slapped me on my hand” and forced me to do the things that I did. I more or less chose to do them no matter what outcome could be there.
An i.e., “My Mama told me to stop biting my nail, a bad habit that I do, or else my cell phone will be confiscated for a month. ”
Well sweetheart, you either choose to bite that filthy nail, or choose to stop. But, if you chose to stop that habit of yours, then that does not mean you are doing it for the fear of your Mama, instead you chose to stop doing it, because you know what the terrifying result would be – a week phoneless not a week of Mama’s preaching.
I know I stepped on a dangerous and sensitive territory, that I trespassed the morale of any person – "فلا تقل لهما أفاً ". But trust me, I’m not your Mama’s rebel, I’m trying to express how I see the world in my own eyes. And how I see it, the world is marched through the choices made by people themselves.
Anger is a choice made, not a heredity of dysfunctioal behavior. I don’t know, I don’t buy the latter. A person chooses to be angry on Human Being A, because Human Being A did something wrong – a glitch. Now, if that angry person stepped back and gave some thought to the matter, he can either be a pain in the ass and shout at Human Being A or be cool about it. So which is it? Everything in life is treatable and fixable, no need to make a huge fuss –the size of China –about it.
I don’t think that a person grows evilness within him. I believe, or chose to believe, that a person has an option of being evil and niceness is just one of his road that is less travelled.
Now, speaking of choices, I chose to hate the word “busy”. I chose to be annoyed by it. I chose to not like hearing it. The “z” sound in it makes me nauseous when enunciated by a person who worships bustling. I hear a bunch of people pryingly say they’re “busy” with a particular thing that might postpone, for example, a one week planned outing with a friend. I don’t religiously believe in 100% busy life or 100% busy day (It’s wonderful to enjoy stillness once in a while). There’s always time to spare. There’s always a millisecond that could be fitted in a schedule.
I don’t really get busy people.
But then again, it’s my choice not getting them in the first place. ;)
An i.e., “My Mama told me to stop biting my nail, a bad habit that I do, or else my cell phone will be confiscated for a month. ”
Well sweetheart, you either choose to bite that filthy nail, or choose to stop. But, if you chose to stop that habit of yours, then that does not mean you are doing it for the fear of your Mama, instead you chose to stop doing it, because you know what the terrifying result would be – a week phoneless not a week of Mama’s preaching.
I know I stepped on a dangerous and sensitive territory, that I trespassed the morale of any person – "فلا تقل لهما أفاً ". But trust me, I’m not your Mama’s rebel, I’m trying to express how I see the world in my own eyes. And how I see it, the world is marched through the choices made by people themselves.
Anger is a choice made, not a heredity of dysfunctioal behavior. I don’t know, I don’t buy the latter. A person chooses to be angry on Human Being A, because Human Being A did something wrong – a glitch. Now, if that angry person stepped back and gave some thought to the matter, he can either be a pain in the ass and shout at Human Being A or be cool about it. So which is it? Everything in life is treatable and fixable, no need to make a huge fuss –the size of China –about it.
I don’t think that a person grows evilness within him. I believe, or chose to believe, that a person has an option of being evil and niceness is just one of his road that is less travelled.
Now, speaking of choices, I chose to hate the word “busy”. I chose to be annoyed by it. I chose to not like hearing it. The “z” sound in it makes me nauseous when enunciated by a person who worships bustling. I hear a bunch of people pryingly say they’re “busy” with a particular thing that might postpone, for example, a one week planned outing with a friend. I don’t religiously believe in 100% busy life or 100% busy day (It’s wonderful to enjoy stillness once in a while). There’s always time to spare. There’s always a millisecond that could be fitted in a schedule.
I don’t really get busy people.
But then again, it’s my choice not getting them in the first place. ;)
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
"i.wish.i.was.a.punk.rocker"
- I walked into a salon and saw 6 Indian eyebrow threaders trembling on stools and couches, screaming at something. the one and only Philipino was courageously running with a broom trying to kill a gecko.
They say higher ground means royalty.
But the way I see it:
Indians are chicken and Philipinos are gutsy*
- I really hate it when I'm solemnly in a room .. dead silence .. and my stomache suddenly growls at people who might think that
a) I have food shortage in my house.
b) I might've accidently expelled mixed gases from my other end.
Untrue. I even drank a bottle of water, but the stomache generator has gotten worse. Urgh.
* Stereotyping is unintentional.
Copyright © 2006 Sandi Thom, I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker
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Friday, June 09, 2006
casual.wednesday.&.crawling.insects
My division that I work in never fails to crack me up. It’s the only girl’s dominated division.
You’ve got Nadia, our sluggish boss whom I adore.
You’ve got Khookhoo, a young mother of a one year old. With a couple of conversations, we’ve discovered we were in fact related (what a small world heh).
You’ve got Simone, Khookhoo’s Egyptian-Originated, Bahraini-Passported partner in crime. She talks funny; Egyptian-Bahraini funny.
Bring these together, and you’ll draw closer to a comic bunch.
The last of their comedic play happened not long ago during brunch time.
Khookhoo asked me if I want anything from a cafeteria. I get suspicious of food delivered from cafeterias especially ones called sunrock .. sunrise .. sun something, so I unobligingly replied with a sweet "no thanks, i already brought my own apple and banana".
Their sandwhichs were delivered, they hungrily went into another office and started with their food. But five minutes later I see Khookhoo's face, all bloated light headed approaching my table. I'm still picturing her pose lol.
I asked her, "what's going on?"
She blurted out something like "our sandwhiches were filled with crawling insects and spiders"
I've never heard of spiders finding their way into edible things like sandwiches, but I saw the proof with the two bites deducted. I presume Khookhoo with all her starvatious self had munched two bites from the sandwich until eventually analytical Simone discovered (read: screamed) those gross creatures. How unfortunate.
I have never laughed so much since I joined that division. It needed me a day to flush this out of my system.
They sooner or later threw up whatever was eaten, called the Ministry of Health and called in the cafeteria and bashed whoever was on the other end of the phone.
On the same day, Nadia skipped worked .. again. The night before, Nadia and her hubby were more like a scratching dummy. Termites ate half of their bed and continuously were after them. They spent the rest of the night scratching each other.
Apparently I’m the only sane person at this girl’s dominated division, I carefully wrote this after Simone mentioned how she loves caressing her butt with Baby Johnson's Lotion.
In the midst of all this, I decided to choose a day in the week to dress (semi) casually. So what day better than Wednesday?!
More casual, more approachable, less seriousness and more enjoyable.
Copyright © 2005 Middle of Nowhere by Hot Hot Heat
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You’ve got Nadia, our sluggish boss whom I adore.
You’ve got Khookhoo, a young mother of a one year old. With a couple of conversations, we’ve discovered we were in fact related (what a small world heh).
You’ve got Simone, Khookhoo’s Egyptian-Originated, Bahraini-Passported partner in crime. She talks funny; Egyptian-Bahraini funny.
Bring these together, and you’ll draw closer to a comic bunch.
The last of their comedic play happened not long ago during brunch time.
Khookhoo asked me if I want anything from a cafeteria. I get suspicious of food delivered from cafeterias especially ones called sunrock .. sunrise .. sun something, so I unobligingly replied with a sweet "no thanks, i already brought my own apple and banana".
Their sandwhichs were delivered, they hungrily went into another office and started with their food. But five minutes later I see Khookhoo's face, all bloated light headed approaching my table. I'm still picturing her pose lol.
I asked her, "what's going on?"
She blurted out something like "our sandwhiches were filled with crawling insects and spiders"
I've never heard of spiders finding their way into edible things like sandwiches, but I saw the proof with the two bites deducted. I presume Khookhoo with all her starvatious self had munched two bites from the sandwich until eventually analytical Simone discovered (read: screamed) those gross creatures. How unfortunate.
I have never laughed so much since I joined that division. It needed me a day to flush this out of my system.
They sooner or later threw up whatever was eaten, called the Ministry of Health and called in the cafeteria and bashed whoever was on the other end of the phone.
On the same day, Nadia skipped worked .. again. The night before, Nadia and her hubby were more like a scratching dummy. Termites ate half of their bed and continuously were after them. They spent the rest of the night scratching each other.
Apparently I’m the only sane person at this girl’s dominated division, I carefully wrote this after Simone mentioned how she loves caressing her butt with Baby Johnson's Lotion.
In the midst of all this, I decided to choose a day in the week to dress (semi) casually. So what day better than Wednesday?!
More casual, more approachable, less seriousness and more enjoyable.
Copyright © 2005 Middle of Nowhere by Hot Hot Heat
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Thursday, May 25, 2006
Chapter.One
UH .. ME .. GOODNESS .. GRACIOUS
I, N.A., have a one-sided fling?!?
A fling is just a brief thing right?
BUT...
I cannot stop thinking about him.
I am out of my mind!
And this sounds somewhat childish and unprofessional ..
But I have not felt this .. this extraordinary feeling .. this .. annus mirabilis .. in a long loooong time; at least not the last 4 godforsaken years.
I can't stop smilingggggg. ;DDDDD
I can't help it! Heeh!
Even a pile of sobby movies won't wear that smile of mine down.
Let the game beginnnnn
Copyright © 2006 Mary J Blige, I Found My Everything
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I, N.A., have a one-sided fling?!?
A fling is just a brief thing right?
BUT...
I cannot stop thinking about him.
I am out of my mind!
And this sounds somewhat childish and unprofessional ..
But I have not felt this .. this extraordinary feeling .. this .. annus mirabilis .. in a long loooong time; at least not the last 4 godforsaken years.
I can't stop smilingggggg. ;DDDDD
I can't help it! Heeh!
Even a pile of sobby movies won't wear that smile of mine down.
Let the game beginnnnn
Copyright © 2006 Mary J Blige, I Found My Everything
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Friday, May 19, 2006
'tis.a.pain.that.pain.to.miss
Came home from an engagement party a while ago. Just as i was getting into bed, I heard cries. My sixteen year old sibling had a nose surgery a week ago. She gets excruciating pain from time to time - a side effect I guess. I checked her out. she was starting to sob continuously. I couldn't get any sleep hearing her and I didn't know what to do to tell you the truth. Might as well give her two pills of Panadol. Ran downstairs to the kitchen. Fetched a glass of water and two pills of Panadol. Ran back upstairs. Helped her swallow them. But her wailing hasn't stopped. Told her her cries won't do her any good. But the poor thing couldn't handle the pain. And I couldn't handle hearing her torment. I never have seen her cry like that. I can't think of anything else to give for her relief. Thought of ice. Hmm. Ran back downstairs to get an ice cube. I thought it might lessen her pain and cries. Rolled a tissue on the ice cube. Ran back upstairs - what a workout. Padded her nose bridge with it. Luckily it did work. Finally she sound asleep - like a beautiful baby.
Where's the doctor when you needed one?!
Pfft. She'll be fiineee. I'll even remind her tomorrow morning how she tortured me.
Nighty night..
Where's the doctor when you needed one?!
Pfft. She'll be fiineee. I'll even remind her tomorrow morning how she tortured me.
Nighty night..
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
scratch.my.head.please
We are so swamped at work.
We are short in staff.
Our Genious Indian took two months off to enjoy himself in India.
Now we're 3 instead of 4 working on gazzilion things.
Yesterday Nadia, our boss, stood on a pedestal and threatened her tiny about-to-go-crazy team (consisting of Khookhoo and me), "Take a viteman C, anything! Whatever you do, do NOT get sick! Do not even think of having a one day off. We are already having projects 'gad sha3ar rassy' to go to tender".
I even arrived 15 minutes earlier this morning, with that short speech in mind.
Nadia was no where to be found.
She called in sick.
I don't blame her. She needed that day to sit at home and cool off.
We are short in staff.
Our Genious Indian took two months off to enjoy himself in India.
Now we're 3 instead of 4 working on gazzilion things.
Yesterday Nadia, our boss, stood on a pedestal and threatened her tiny about-to-go-crazy team (consisting of Khookhoo and me), "Take a viteman C, anything! Whatever you do, do NOT get sick! Do not even think of having a one day off. We are already having projects 'gad sha3ar rassy' to go to tender".
I even arrived 15 minutes earlier this morning, with that short speech in mind.
Nadia was no where to be found.
She called in sick.
I don't blame her. She needed that day to sit at home and cool off.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
embarrassing.moments
Hello! What's been rocking your world?
Nonnah visited me at work today. My coworkers thought I was her who was walking in the corridor and not giving a face nor spreading smiles. I'm not a meany! I'm not a meany!? They were looking at the wrong girl. None of them were observant. They were blind. C'mon she was wearing a suit, and they saw me this morning with a blouse and dark pants. And I had to pay the consequence.
I hate that when it happens. It happens so often at my work. An Indian guy said "hi" to me once. He thought I was nonnah. He talked and talked telling me about his whole life. I didn't want to cut in just to say that I'm the other sister. That would be awful. Keep on going boy. It would be an exilarating anticipation on my half if I mentioned I'm the wrong sis. Well too bad I did after he was done with his speech. He hyperventilated.
I'm no meeannny.
Going back to the coworkers, they finally knew who's who and got a little embarrassed. But then they started asking questions such as So you're identical? What's the difference? Who's taller? Who's smarter? So who's Daddy's favorite? Mommy's?!
A word of advice: We don't like it when people stare at us or ask gazillion Q's. It's no fun. It's torture :( Well it's not that, but I tend to be fidgety and embarrassed out of no reason. I don't know why. I'm kind of shy around people and a bit private if that explains it.
Embarrassment… I've been thrown at situations that are quite embarrassing to me to say the least. I could name a few. But this story has been haunting me. Urrrgh.
The last year in college nonnah and I were sharing an apartment. Our Kuwaiti friend decided it was time to live on her own. No problemo, her apartment was one hallway away. Fun!
So our door is always unlocked 'cause it loves to welcome her. She keeps running in and out any time of the day (Allah ithakirha bil khair). She kinda reminds me of Kramer's approach to Sienfeld's apartment. We were chitchatting and all then all of a sudden she started heading out again. I was left alone, nonnah was sleeping the entire time, and she wasn't part of the whole melodrama. Anywhoo, I decided to call it a day and change into my boxer shorts filled with stupid "mooing" cows. I had my glasses on and slumped on the couch to watch an episode of "Forensic Detectives" on Discovery Channel.
Right then, I heard a knock at the door. That was awkward. "Kramer" never knocks. I ignored it. Then another knock disrupts me from my instant. Oh "Kramer" must be carrying stuff and she couldn't get hold of the knob. I didn't want to freeze her ass off standing outside carrying God knows what. It was May and the weather was lovely during the day, but cold at night.
I was greatly hypnotized by the TV. While opening the door by force, my eyes were fixed across the other end of the living room .. on the TV .. for a show.. that will cost my self-respect and dignity.
Three seconds is a long time for "Kramer" to be still standing at the threshold.
Turning 180 degrees to see why lovely "Kramer" is playing around with me, I heard his "Ahemmmmm"
Feck.
This was not who I was expecting. Let it be a drunkard husky neighbor looking at my sleeping wear for all I care, but not a Saudi graduate dude.
There was a big sweet smile on his face. I on the other hand was shocked and resentful – a whole pile of humiliation. I couldn't do anything, but to let him in. In these embarrassing situations I try to act 'kewl'. Get rid of my shyness and just act as if nothing has happened.
Him:"Is this a bad timing?"
Me: Of course it is you you you... "Not at all! Come on in! What a wonderful weather!"
Never say no. I guess that's where my weakness lies. And to top it off, I wore a robe over my sleeping attire instead of changing back into my shirt and jeans. Because if I did change, then that would mean I'm powerlessly feeling uncomfortable, embarrassed, and self-conscious. And I don't want to make anyone sense that in me, especially not right there and then. You can say I'm filled with pride sitting fearlessly, being heroic at that certain moment in time? Twisted mind I've got huh?
I hoped I never see him again. But not long ago while dining out with a couple of friends did I run into him.
"Remember when you told be about that night in the States? When he sat with you and your moooing boxers for a whole 30 minutes? I never told you he called that day to schedule a visit. Thank God I was asleep!" nonnah exclaimed.
Well you are two years too late babes.
Nonnah visited me at work today. My coworkers thought I was her who was walking in the corridor and not giving a face nor spreading smiles. I'm not a meany! I'm not a meany!? They were looking at the wrong girl. None of them were observant. They were blind. C'mon she was wearing a suit, and they saw me this morning with a blouse and dark pants. And I had to pay the consequence.
I hate that when it happens. It happens so often at my work. An Indian guy said "hi" to me once. He thought I was nonnah. He talked and talked telling me about his whole life. I didn't want to cut in just to say that I'm the other sister. That would be awful. Keep on going boy. It would be an exilarating anticipation on my half if I mentioned I'm the wrong sis. Well too bad I did after he was done with his speech. He hyperventilated.
I'm no meeannny.
Going back to the coworkers, they finally knew who's who and got a little embarrassed. But then they started asking questions such as So you're identical? What's the difference? Who's taller? Who's smarter? So who's Daddy's favorite? Mommy's?!
A word of advice: We don't like it when people stare at us or ask gazillion Q's. It's no fun. It's torture :( Well it's not that, but I tend to be fidgety and embarrassed out of no reason. I don't know why. I'm kind of shy around people and a bit private if that explains it.
Embarrassment… I've been thrown at situations that are quite embarrassing to me to say the least. I could name a few. But this story has been haunting me. Urrrgh.
The last year in college nonnah and I were sharing an apartment. Our Kuwaiti friend decided it was time to live on her own. No problemo, her apartment was one hallway away. Fun!
So our door is always unlocked 'cause it loves to welcome her. She keeps running in and out any time of the day (Allah ithakirha bil khair). She kinda reminds me of Kramer's approach to Sienfeld's apartment. We were chitchatting and all then all of a sudden she started heading out again. I was left alone, nonnah was sleeping the entire time, and she wasn't part of the whole melodrama. Anywhoo, I decided to call it a day and change into my boxer shorts filled with stupid "mooing" cows. I had my glasses on and slumped on the couch to watch an episode of "Forensic Detectives" on Discovery Channel.
Right then, I heard a knock at the door. That was awkward. "Kramer" never knocks. I ignored it. Then another knock disrupts me from my instant. Oh "Kramer" must be carrying stuff and she couldn't get hold of the knob. I didn't want to freeze her ass off standing outside carrying God knows what. It was May and the weather was lovely during the day, but cold at night.
I was greatly hypnotized by the TV. While opening the door by force, my eyes were fixed across the other end of the living room .. on the TV .. for a show.. that will cost my self-respect and dignity.
Three seconds is a long time for "Kramer" to be still standing at the threshold.
Turning 180 degrees to see why lovely "Kramer" is playing around with me, I heard his "Ahemmmmm"
Feck.
This was not who I was expecting. Let it be a drunkard husky neighbor looking at my sleeping wear for all I care, but not a Saudi graduate dude.
There was a big sweet smile on his face. I on the other hand was shocked and resentful – a whole pile of humiliation. I couldn't do anything, but to let him in. In these embarrassing situations I try to act 'kewl'. Get rid of my shyness and just act as if nothing has happened.
Him:"Is this a bad timing?"
Me: Of course it is you you you... "Not at all! Come on in! What a wonderful weather!"
Never say no. I guess that's where my weakness lies. And to top it off, I wore a robe over my sleeping attire instead of changing back into my shirt and jeans. Because if I did change, then that would mean I'm powerlessly feeling uncomfortable, embarrassed, and self-conscious. And I don't want to make anyone sense that in me, especially not right there and then. You can say I'm filled with pride sitting fearlessly, being heroic at that certain moment in time? Twisted mind I've got huh?
I hoped I never see him again. But not long ago while dining out with a couple of friends did I run into him.
"Remember when you told be about that night in the States? When he sat with you and your moooing boxers for a whole 30 minutes? I never told you he called that day to schedule a visit. Thank God I was asleep!" nonnah exclaimed.
Well you are two years too late babes.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
share.the.love
Snow White has Aids. The Three Little Pigs are in jail. Red Riding Hood is pregnant with Wolf's baby. Goldilocks is a lesbian. Rumpelstiltskin smuggles drugs and Cinderella is beating up Barbie because Ken is gay and he gave Tarzan a blowjob. Now Heidi and Jane are involved in a syndicate giving the Smurfs pills in exchange for sex! So fairyland is f*cked.
Have a fabulous day.
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